Anne's parents, in their early eighties, have resided in the same beloved home for over five decades. Despite their advancing age, they have no plans to downsize or consider alternative living arrangements.
For Anne, this decision has become a source of deep concern and anxiety. She worries incessantly about their safety, well-being, and future, unable to shake the nagging feeling that they are making the wrong choice.
Most nights, Anne lies awake, staring at the ceiling and thinking that none of this should be happening.
Anne's increasing feeling of helplessness is very tough for her to accept. She's usually very accomplished and capable. She's used to being able to make things happen, power through challenging situations, and feel pretty good along the way.
Not knowing what else to do, she contacted me for some coaching.
Anne said she wanted to hire me to help her get better at having "difficult conversations" with her parents.
I told her that I could absolutely help her do that, but first, I wanted to help her reduce her suffering and reclaim her agency in this situation.
For the next several sessions, we worked through the following three phases.
Phase One: Arguing
Anne is living in resistance. Every conversation with her parents feels like a battleground as she tries to persuade them to reconsider their decision. Anne cites statistics, safety concerns, and the need for a more manageable living situation. But no matter how hard she tries, her parents remain steadfast in their resolve to stay put.
Anne feels powerless and frustrated, unable to accept their choice because she's constantly arguing with the truth that her parents don’t want/plan to move.
Phase Two: Accepting
I invite Anne to acknowledge the resistance she's creating. This is very challenging initially because she is so focused on her parents' resistance to her idea that they should move.
With time and self-compassion, she realizes that her relentless resistance is only fueling her anxiety and eroding her relationship with her parents. Slowly but surely, she lets go of the belief that things should be different.
She can see what is true now—her parents believe they should stay where they are.
Accepting this truth allows her to acknowledge her parents' love and attachment to their home, honoring its deep roots and memories. Anne finds a glimmer of peace and understanding in this space of acceptance.
Phase Three: Deciding
With acceptance comes clarity and a renewed sense of purpose. Anne recognizes that while she may not agree with her parent's decision, arguing about what is happening makes her miserable and impacts their relationship.
Instead of focusing on what she cannot control, she decides to shift her attention to what she can influence – her own actions and responses. She decides to prioritize her relationship with her parents above all else, choosing listening, love, and connection over fear and discord.
And in doing so, she notices the frustration and worry dissipate. She feels better.
She now knows that if she needs to have a "difficult conversation" with her parents, it will be one based on love and connection rather than resentment and anger.
Anne's journey reminds us that acceptance is not synonymous with defeat; it is a powerful act of self-love and liberation from self-created suffering.
By releasing our grip on how we think things should be, we open ourselves to the infinite possibilities of what could be.
Thank you, Anne, for the brave reminder of how empowering it is to reclaim our agency.
This week, let's find the courage to move from arguing to accepting to deciding. Together, let’s leave the resistance and unnecessary suffering behind.
Want to read more like this?
I write about simple concepts you can easily apply to move one degree closer to your desired future.
Have an amazing week.
With immense appreciation & gratitude. Always.
Anne's story feels so much like my own seven years ago with my mom. It was hard and it would have been so much easier if I had been able to practice acceptance. But it's hard when you're in the middle of it. Thanks for sharing. ❤️